Monday, 3 June 2013

Humpty Dumpty Party Mix Snack Mix

These two bright and shiny people really know how to break the ice at parties. What's their secret? Well, having a bag of Humpty Dumpty Party Mix close at hand doesn't hurt.
I was never good at parties. I'm still not but with three young kids I don't go to many parties anymore unless they're kids' birthday parties in which case I'm occasionally a hit because I'm pretty much an idiot and some kids find this amusing. As with my own kids I'm not above, say, sticking a G.I. Joe appendage up my nose if I think it will elicit a laugh. Often times some kids, usually my own, will just pipe up and tell me I'm a horses's ass. And other kids will just rat me out when they see me snagging all the pizza and cake because, the fact is, it's my kids invited to the birthday party, not me and I just kind of insinuate myself into the festivities until I can scour the snack table, Hoover up some food and then leave. In my twenties and thirties I wasn't even in the kitchen at parties as that old song proclaims so much as hiding under the sink. I was no good at small talk, no good at big talk and every time I did decide to say something I usually put my foot in my mouth. That is, when it could fit with all of the snack mix I had crammed inside my maw. The fact is, if it wasn't for snack mix, I would never go to parties at all. The years may not have been kind to me now that I'm balding and have something akin to woman's breasts on my chest but my palate remains well-honed and as finely tuned as a concert Steinway, even after a monkey has banged away on it and peed on the keys. So when I tried this Humpty Dumpty bag of fun and goodness for the first time I knew I'd found that perfect party mix balance of seasoning, starch and invigorating chemical additives. Natural and artificial flavours combine in perfect harmony, like technology and nature working together to build a better, tastier snack-filled future. Firstly, the use of classic corn chips illustrates the fact that although you can't teach an old dog new tricks, sometimes the old dog's worn-out tricks are just fine so long as the animal isn't incontinent. Secondly, torula yeast. What is it? Is it edible? It sounds so exotic I didn't want to look it up and ruin the romance and enigma of its existence. Well, I looked it up anyway and its description has done nothing to dull its enchantment. Essentially it's a flavouring widely used in processed and pet foods, made from wood sugars that are a byproduct of paper production and is known for its marginally meaty and delicate taste. I like to think of it as the foie gras of snack food yeast species. I knew there was a meaty undercurrent in this snack mix and now I know from whence it came. But the charm of this snack mix doesn't end there. There's also something known as a "ringolo" made from potato that's about the size of an engagement ring if you were marrying a little person and has a delicious crunch that you can hear echo in your skull like Mr. Potato Head falling down a well and calling for help. Then there's a magnificent cheese construction. It's not quite a Cheezie and it's not quite a Cheeto, nor a Cheez Doodle or a Cheese Pleezer for that matter. It's like the bastard child if the four of them had an orgy and the child inherited the best of all their genetic traits. I'm not sure how one child could emerge from four cheese things mating but in the snack world anything is possible. The only weak link in the mix are the pretzels. They're okay but needed a saltier presence and a bit of more of a sweet, yeasty flourish to their finish. But honestly, knowing Humpty Dumpty is a Canadian company, they've done this country proud. Wayne Gretzky's accomplishments pale in comparison to this party mix's influence. And for my money, if Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall and broke into this snack mix, I wouldn't even attempt to put him back together again.

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